I have been asking this particular question a lot lately.


After much deliberation my husband and I finally made a small commitment to a church. It’s far away – about an hour by car – located in a big city away from this insane small town life that we relish and loathe simultaneously. I love it there because the people share our liberal big city values. It’s a place where we feel at home.

To find community within this big steeple church I joined a budding spirituality group. Each week is something new, meditation, yoga, breath prayer and so on. At the moment we are in the beginning stages of learning about the enneagram and I have discovered that I am a 4 with a 3 wing (http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/type4.php). It says a lot about me but hasn’t helped the constant longing to pin myself down, to label and find home within.

For me one of the trickiest labels is that of Christian.  Am I a follower of Christ?  Yes.  Do I believe in the triune God? Yes.  Do I trust the tenants of my Church? Most of the time.  But when I look around me, especially at denominational meetings I realize that the way in which I enact that faith seems to be dramatically different from the people around me.  For me the law of love is central.  I am called to love everyone regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, race, religious beliefs or anything else that might serve to separate us.  In that love I find it important to learn about things that scare me and make me uncomfortable so that I can understand the people around me.  For me to love is to set aside judgment and to delight in diversity.

I suppose that even these small things say something useful about me.


Here’s a hypothesis – I don’t trust myself because so often I can’t find the unchanging center. Internally I’m a blur. I live and eat and breathe something new each day. In the unending change it’s hard to trust that there is something solid anywhere within.

And the lack of trust, it flowers into anxiety. Am i here if i have no center? Is there any purpose to what I do? Can I be successful if I spend so much time in the space between forgetting and remembering why it is that I’m doing what I’m doing?

But that’s not the whole truth. In fact, it’s a sorry commentary when I consider all that I have achieved. I have two degrees, my dream job, a delightful husband, and wonderful friends. One would think that with achievement would come confidence, or at least a little quiet for an inner perfectionist.