I’m not really sure how to begin.  You only know this kind of disappointment when you’ve experienced it.  That first ultrasound appointment, I looked at all those little follicles and thought, “hi, kids!”.  On Monday I saw a bunch of black spots and was just thankful that I wasn’t hyper stimulated by the last round of medication.

I know that it is rare for people to become pregnant on their first try, but every one of my mother’s pregnancies, my sister’s pregnancies and my aunt’s pregnancies happened the first time (that’s 7 pregnancies total).  While I know I’m not a failure, and that this is a very different process than what they experienced, no amount of rationalizing can take away the feeling of devastation.  Because we spent most of our savings taking care of one of our cats who became ill about a month and a half ago, my parents have offered to cover the cost of this month’s try.  Again, while I know that the poor job market is not of my making, and that this is an enormous gift from my family in support of our attempt to have a child,  the fact that we can’t afford to create our own family without help is heart breaking for me.  I’ve worked so hard for my fiscal responsibility and this feels like a sucker punch.

Tomorrow I leave for LA to attend a conference.  KK will be joining me on the trip and I’m hoping that it will provide us with a little much needed time to reconnect.  In the midst of all of this, all of my crazy clo.mid fueled binges and mood swings and tears and anxiety, KK has become even more solid.  I am glad to know that when the going gets tough we are people who will turn towards each other to provide strength and love.

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