There was a time when I was many things.  I used to watch bad television and knit.  Sometimes I would dance to loud industrial music in my room with the lights turned out.  I read voraciously.  I had friends who talked about their work and life and studies and what we saw on TV.  My wife and I dreamed about the things we would do, travel to Paris and Prague, attend concerts and then instead of doing any of it we would laugh and dance badly in the kitchen.  But now I live in a world clouded by anxiety and demarcated in two week increments .

preparing

waiting

preparing

waiting

preparing

waiting

preparing

waiting

The friends only talk about preparing and waiting and ultrasounds and due dates.  In my free time I google, read blogs, look at boards and search for answers to unanswerable questions.  When I am at work, in that place where only my professional self matters, I sometimes remember who I am but mostly I forget.  I used to be an eclectic assemblage of thousands of wonderful things but now I am distilled to one tragic thought, “What if this doesn’t work?”

It never occurred to me when we started this process that the medications would alter my brain chemistry.  I’ve always had an undiagnosed anxiety disorder, but years of therapy had rendered me stable and happy.  Now each month I spend more days pulling against the quicksand of my anxiety than I do dancing.  It’s amazing what hormones can do to us.

This cycle was not successful.  I’m waiting for the start of my next cycle so that we can move on.  One more month with that nightmare of a drug before the RE demands a switch up to something injectable – I don’t have high hopes for serenity coming with anything that alters my hormones.  This month we will have an HSG test to make sure the tubes are clear and we might change the donor in the hopes that we can find someone with better chemestry (is that even a possible issue??? or is this just more of my crazy speaking???).  KK has instituted a bed time ritual that involves tea and reading in the hopes that it will help me sleep.  In the next window in my browser is a list of therapists who accept my insurance so that I have a place to process this experience that isn’t the internet.  I am “allowed” to continue to blog, but reading anything that has to do with trying to conceive is verboten per KK’s request.  I have climbed out of the pit on a ladder of rules and rituals in the past and so we are working to repeat the process.

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