I understand not-there.  The feeling of loss that comes with death.  There is a clear moment when one goes from there to not-there.  I remember my grandfather’s funeral.  The day that we let go of my beloved friend, Merlin.  I’ve counseled students and the families of hospital patients through that transition.

And now I have lived through not-there to there.  Every few days I find myself watching Z and wondering about how strage it is that once he was not-there and now he is so very here.  On November 8th, his mommy’s birthday, we were just two.  I know that Z was present (he kicked a LOT), but we hung out together while KK was tattooed and went out to dinner just the two of us.  Then, so suddenly on the 10th we were three.  And Z is just so very present, so very much himself.  It is magic, that ability to explode into being from nothingness.

His amazing baby mohawk is fading.  It is just a few very tall hairs holding on just has he seems bigger, more grown up each day.  My guess is that we have a week left with it if that.  I will miss the mohawk – someday we might even re-imagine it once he has a full head of hair.

Yesterday was a “family date” to the art museum.  It was amazing to watch my son pick out faces, looking to interact with people and art.  He was so good about being quiet and looking.  I was thankful that we invested in an awesome baby carrier while we were in Chicago.  Now I just wish I had a photo of the three of us!


Yesterday was “family date day” at the Art Museum.